Recession

You know the world is in recession when the dept. slashes a graduate student's measly stipend by 50%. Sigh !!!.

The Eureka moment

Research is all about toiling away in darkness, for hours on end waiting for that tiny glimpse of light, that Eureka moment. It maybe days, months or sometimes even years before that tiny glimpse arrives. But when it arrives, oh boy, it is the most beautiful emotion that is unlike anything one may ever experience. Lost in a state of suspended animation one experiences a feeling out of this world. Your vision is filled with clarity, everything comes to a standstill, when the world stops for a brief moment, your ears filled with the sweetest music, when everything seems perfect. A moment of euphoria that not even a perfect orgasm can do justice, a beauty unsurpassed, unmatched. And snap !!! Within a few seconds you are back to 42, lost again in darkness, pondering all the answers, asking yourself more questions, left yearning for more, overcome with a sudden feeling of emptiness with nothing to do but pick up all the shattered pieces and discern their meaning. Doing a PhD is all about stringing together all these Eureka moments, holding onto all these precious beads on a slippery thread, sculpting the perfect sculpture limb by limb, answering away all questions till you are left with none, for only then one can reach the light at the end of the tunnel. That is what research is all about.

Moving.

Its again time to move to a new apt. This will be my third apt. in Raleigh and hopefully the last. Moving has always been an emotional experience for me. Maybe living in boarding schools is the cause. I remember in boarding schools every year our dormitories changed. So did the beds and cupboard partners. This continued when I moved to Pune where almost every year we changed rooms. This nomadic nature has developed a sparse living nature with very few belongings that can be shifted at the new place in a very short time. What troubles me is the memories. These baggages have now become very heavy and I sometimes feel I may not be able to take all of them along. Nor do I want to leave them behind. But I guess such is life. Miles to go before I sleep as Robert Frost liked to say.

New Project

I have undertaken a new project this semester. To quit smoking. Hopefully I shall be able to quit smoking completely at the end of this semester.

Update: Its been 1 week since I had my last cigarette. Yippee !!!

Relationships

I am a dork when it comes to interacting with girls. Many a times I have wondered why I don't have any friends from the fairer sex. And the answer is quite simple. I go through exactly 4 stages of friendship when it comes to girls.

1) We meet. More specifically I am introduced to a girl by a friend. The probability of me walking up to a girl and making conversation is almost zero.
2) We stir up some conversation. I will lose interest in the conversation in just 10-15 sentences. Or more specifically I run out of conversation very soon. I just don't know what to talk about. I hate making up cheesy lines, pretending, lying about things and in most cases I will end up making a lame statement.
3) She considers me a douche-bag. I consider her boring.
4) That's it. The end.

Its like its over before it started. Having a crush on a girl is even worse. I like her and hope I'll be able to talk to her. And then when I eventually get the chance its back to square one.

Mediocrity

I am not able to understand how to put this but many a times I believe that I do not deserve to be where I am right now. I have always had this feeling I am a big phony pretending to be good at something but deep down I know that I am not good at it. I think if someone asks me to name something I am good at, an honest answer would be nothing. I wonder if someday these lies are exposed and people realize who I truly am. I am sure most people do know the truth already. Thinking about all this makes me wonder is all this worth it.

I think all these thoughts come from the fact that I am afraid of mediocrity. I am hopeless at accepting defeat and failure depresses me. And I am afraid that these days I am trapping myself into mediocrity. My exam results these days are just ordinary and my research project seems to be going no where. All in all I just seem to be going through the motions day in day out.

In these situations I am afraid. I fear for myself and long to run away from this world.

Insomnia

This sums up the story of my life !!!